May 2013
2 posts
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
It’s mother’s day.
You’ve been gone nearly a year and I still can’t figure how to love you. I promised myself that someday I’ll be able to think of you and smile, but I have yet to get to a point where I can even think of you without being angry. Or sad. Or feeling sorry for you. I feel awful because I mean, it’s not like you didn’t try. You just...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
There is a woman living above us who cries at night.
Always during the quietest hours, like she’s waiting for the right moment. Her sobs seep into the atmosphere like the sound of swaying trees - gentle sighs and haunting moans. Nothing too dramatic - just this aching, insistent mourning, profound in its subtlety.
It’s been nearly every night since we moved in. It’s become as...
November 2012
0 posts
From Mad Is On.
It’s Jonathan’s birthday.
21 years of survival. Wicked shit, man! Congratulations on another year of getting by. You’re getting better. You really are. Maybe you don’t believe me now, but in ten years you will.
Hope you had an awesome day with everyone.
We’ll meet up soon.
October 2012
7 posts
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
Melinda came into my hospital room this morning. Nixon had just left - he was gonna stay but I insisted he and the rest of our friends go find themselves some breakfast.
“Back already?” I’d been about to say when the door pushed opened. Then Melinda poked her head in - always, always, always covered in a gray knit cap, dark curls tumbling from underneath - and I felt the air...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
Everything hurts.
I’m in the recovery room. Steven and Julius and Franky are knocked out on the couches in the lobby. Nixon is leaning forward in his chair next to my bed, resting his head on my pillow. He’s asleep. We told the doctors that he’s my adoptive brother so they wouldn’t kick him out when visiting hours were over. One nurse caught on, though.
“Brothers...
1 tag
A message from Nixon.
I didn’t know how else to contact you. Please don’t be mad, but I had Steven hack into your blog. I can’t have you going around thinking that I was boning your ex girlfriend behind your back.
I ran into Melinda about a month and a half ago on the way to the metro station. All we did was talk about you. She wanted to know how you were doing. I told her that you were finally...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
They reported me missing.
I’ve seen the fliers.
“Have you seen me?” Madison Delaney
Age: 18 Sex: Male Height: 5’ 1 1/2” Race: White Hair color: Red Eye color: Light brown Last Seen: Baltimore, Maryland, 10/10/12, wearing a dark gray cap, black hoodie, and torn jeans. If spotted, do not approach. Call 911 or [Nixon’s #]
I’m honestly not...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
I’ve been feeling kinda okay lately.
Not super-duper awesome or anything, but…okay.
Neutral. Like I’m doing a backstroke or something, right on the water’s surface. Or, maybe that’s a horrible metaphor considering I can’t swim, but still.
I’ve been good to Nixon. I haven’t blown up at him or anything. I haven’t overreacted when he’s...
1 tag
gallopingtowardfreedom started following pencilaway
Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!
Madison says hi.
Jonathan also says hi.
And Steven says hi as well. :)
September 2012
1 post
From Mad Is On.
Grief sounds so intimate to me. It’s weird as hell. It sounds intimate, genuine, and honest. And those three things are so hard to come by in people. In retrospect, maybe that’s why I’d hurt my mom so much. It was easier to believe her when she was sobbing and screaming at me than it was when she was taking my hand, telling me she was sorry, asking me what I wanted for dinner....
August 2012
7 posts
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
Killing myself really wouldn’t help, would it?
No matter how hellish the carnage is that I leave everywhere I go…somehow people still love me. Somehow, people still miss me when I’m gone. Even the ones who walk away from me wish they didn’t have to. No one who’s ever came and went from my life was relieved to be rid of me. They were more just…sad that they...
From Mad Is On.
So, this is my life.
I am a cautionary tale. I am designed to be looked at and pitied in every sense of the word. I am what happens when kids grow up in bad households, befriend the wrong people, make the wrong choices…I am the guy that mothers warn their daughters against - the ones who get their faces put up on posters warning other women to steer clear because he’s psycho....
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
Poetry never was her forte. She lives in the land of prose and paragraphs Rhyme and rhythm just get in the way. There’s never been anything she didn’t know how to say Through her words, her sentences, her passionate display. But of course comes an exception - Matters of the heart, like always - And when she touched her pen down The tip tore the paper apart. Just like her insides it...
Nixon writes a journal entry! (One that Madison...
I’ve never kept secrets from Madison before. I’ve never had to. And I always imagined that if anyone ever asked me to keep something from him, I wouldn’t do it. I’d tell them, “I’m sorry, but he’s my best friend and my loyalty to him takes precedent over anyone’s secrets.”
I ran into Melinda today.
I was headed to the metro station after...
From Mad Is On.
Beggars can’t be choosy.
But only a douchebag settles for a love that doesn’t fill him up the way he knows love is supposed to do.
From Mad Is On.
I am tempered by a love far greater than my rage. Far greater than me - because all I am lately is my rage.
From Mad Is On.
So, I’ve kind of been talking to Jonathan. I’m not supposed to - Joshua made me promise not to contact him, ‘cause since that brief relapse he thought I’d suck Jonathan back into it, but I swear it was him who called me, not the other way around. I went and sat on the floor in the closet, sliding the door shut and leaning my back against it.
“How you been...
July 2012
17 posts
changedsinceyesterday:
I wish Every day With everything inside of me And all of my memories And all of my dreams Ambitions Hopes Fears Passions and loves and hatreds That I was a poet.
From Mad Is On.
I’m just going about this whole “living” thing all wrong, aren’t I?
I clearly haven’t got a clue what I’ve been doing for the past eighteen years.
It’s like the only skill I have is setting things on fire.
(Metaphorically, anyways, because I still don’t know how to strike a match.)
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
I killed a cat today.
My therapist said I should try taking walks when I’m upset. Give myself time to think and chill out and keep my body occupied.
I’d gotten a call from my boss ex boss from the bookstore. She fired me. Not because I give incorrect change or something like that, or because I’m no good at helping customers find what they’re looking for, or because...
From Mad Is On.
No. You suck. You’re not any good at this. This isn’t your strength. These words are your nemesis. You belong to prose. Your thoughts will never flow Like the ones of the mind whose lips you miss.
Stick to paragraphs, to meanings. To painting photographs with feelings And creating people more real than you are. Because you’ll never understand How to take total command Of the...
From Mad Is On.
Nixon says I won’t survive if I don’t get help. And he said all this shit about how he doesn’t know what he would do without me. He wants me to see a therapist. He is begging me to see a therapist.
I guess I’m gonna see a therapist.
From Mad Is On.
So, we got kicked out.
The landlord guy gave us fifteen minutes to be out of the building, else he was gonna call the cops on me. And since a tall, slim, Native American pretty boy and a five-foot-two, freckled redhead don’t stand a chance in prison, we got what we could and left.
I’ve got a backpack filled with old manuscripts and notebooks, my violin, two syringes and the last of...
From Mad Is On
I miss lips And tongue And skin And sweat And feeling dizzy from breathing so heavily for so long. And I miss racing heartbeats And interwoven fingers Messy hair and starry eyes and trembling.
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
Melinda sent me an e mail today, from an address I’d never seen before.
From: 23649@hotmail.com To: Mad_Is_On@gmail.com Subject: (no subject)
Dear Madison,
This is Melinda. I am sending this from a temporary account that will be deleted immediately after the message goes through, because I do not want any further contact with you.
I understand that you are sick. But I don’t think...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
Totally broke every single rule last night.
Oops.
Melinda probably hates me now but believe it or not I have actually managed to get high enough not to care.
Might have gotten Nix and I kicked out of our apartment.
We’ll see, we’ll see, we’ll see.
In the mean time I am going to kick back and trip to high heavan.
Sleep tight.
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Fuck if I ever though there’d be a day when I’d quote Marilyn Monroe. Not that I have anything against her or anything - I know jack shit about the woman. I just never pictured myself the type to recall the words of dead supermodels. Or even live ones.
But it’s...
From Mad Is On.
what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
My brother’s been dead for a year.
Three hundred and sixty-five days (or is it sixty-six, ‘cause of the leap year or whatever?) and there are parts of my insides that still haven’t stopped reeling. He was so wrecked before he died. I dunno, I guess in some respects you could say he was gone from me months before he blew his own brains out and that makes it even more strange...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
December 14, 2010
So uh, I miss you. A lot. Talking to you, mostly. Which is odd, I guess, because it’s not like we’ve ever talked a whole lot. I mean, I definitely miss your face - smile, eyes, curve of your mouth, slope of your nose, how sunlight seems to make you glow golden - but I think I mostly miss talking to you. Talking, and laughing, and having useless revelations about...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
One of the worst parts about being imaginary
Is not being able to provide any real solace for the person who thought me up.
And having to sit around and hover in her brain
While she puts herself through so much shit.
From Mad Is On.
I made a list of all the things I thought I’d never do And most items on that list were things I did with you.
From Mad Is On.
With the promise of the prize from the cereal box, Nixon dared me to walk down to CVS, buy some condoms, a stuffed animal, some latex gloves and some laxatives, all while wearing a brown paper bag over my face with two eye-holes cut out, and a big, doofy smiley face drawn on the front.
I am now the proud owner of a brand new hotwheels race car.
Note from the author: Aaron found us.
By “us,” I mean me and Jonathan and Madison and sometimes Steven. But mostly just Madison and Jonathan.
So, to avoid any confusion, Aaron, lemme explain a thingy or two.
Everything I post here, unless otherwise specified, is from the POV of one of my characters/alter egos. So…it’s 100% fiction. These guys don’t exist outside of my head. Sometimes it’s excerpts...
June 2012
10 posts
Jonathan's exhausted, nonsensical, and probably...
Give them a really shitty name. The kind of name that makes kids pull their teachers aside and ask them to use a nickname during roll call on the first day of school.
Give them average hair.
Hit them in the face in a brick when they are young so they can have a really cool scar.
Give them a limp.
Do something really horrible to them, like shoot them in the knee or murder their family or...
A note from the author (as if anyone really cares,...
The stuff I write about is inconsistent as fuck.
Nothing I post here is necessarily cohesive with everything else.
There are multiple story lines involving the same characters.
There is a story line where Jonathan has just recently died.
There is a story line where Jonathan and Josh and their crew are all some sort of supernatural creature (except I kind of never, ever, ever, ever, ever...
From Mad Is On.
My real dad’s name is Alistair McKenzie. He was born in Scotland but spent most of his life in South Africa. He’d been in the US to get his degree in journalism from New York University when my mom met him. Mom said they became really good friends, and they kept in touch when he went back to Africa. But throughout their endless conversations, it became more and more evident that they...
1 tag
From Mad Is On.
They convinced me to visit my mom in the hospital. I’d been so reluctant, so terrified to the point of breaking down in front of them all (which was actually much less humiliating than I thought it’d be). I dunno…it’s easy not to hold things back in front of my friends. There aren’t any parts of me they’ve never seen before.
“I promise you, you...
From Mad Is On.
It’s father’s day.
I remember in elementary school, every year they’d have us do some little arts and crafts project. Like making a macaroni picture or creating a picture frame or doing little origami hearts or something, and they’d have us write out all these sentimental cards and stuff, and I’d always get quiet. Quieter than normal, because I never did talk a lot...
From Mad Is On.
I hung out with Steven today. We don’t really see so much of Steven anymore, ‘cause he’s so busy with his studies and stuff…it’s amazing how hard that guy works, and how brilliant he is. He studying to become a rocket scientist…or as he calls it, an “aerospace engineer.” And he’s dedicated himself to it so much that if he’s not studying,...
From Mad Is On.
My mom and I talked for the first time in over half a year.
I know I’ve been writing this thing about meeting Jonathan, and I’m still working on it - I’ve got a post saved in my drafts right now - but I need to take a break from that for a second.
My mom, my mom, my mom, my mom…
It’s been so long that I don’t even know what to say about my mom.
She called...
3 tags
Things said and stories shared at Jonathan's...
Lilith
Jonathan…what is there to say about Jonathan? I…I never had children of my own. And I didn’t start knowing Jonathan until he was a teenager. But I did, or ah, I do, love him like a son. I was his English teacher for three years - I’d switch grade levels just to stay with him - and I watched and guided him through…the most magnificent transformations. I knew...
From Mad Is On.
Walking to the metro station in DC today, on my way back from a gig, I was pestered by a group of some kids handing out fliers encouraging people to donate blood.
“Sir, can I have a minute of your time?”
“Um, well I mean-“
“Donating blood can help save a life. A few seconds of discomfort for you could be a new chance at living for someone.”
“I know,...
From Mad Is On.
Nix and I had just gotten out of seeing The Raven.
“A blonde chick, though?” He lamented like he does about all types of Eurocentrism. “All these raven-haired gentlemen, and they’re all busting their asses to save a blonde girl. Come ON, Hollywood. Isn’t that just a bit old now?”
“Yeah…blondes never were my thing.”
He rolled his eyes.
...
May 2012
3 posts
1 tag
Lilac.
The value of my life is measured by how swiftly I would throw it away. But it’s never been just swift - it’s been eager. Desperate. Since I was fourteen years old - since I’d first met his dark eyes and swooned at his darker voice - I’ve been groping at burning shards of him, either nonchalant or oblivious to my charred skin as it flakes away in his wake.
I am the kind of...
A flashback, from Lilac Tiger-Lilly Youngblood's...
“…Jonathan, are you really gonna take me home?”
He looked down sharply at me, but seemed to be relieved with the fact that we had something else to talk about.
“Why wouldn’t I take you home?” Sarcasm was intended, but the note wasn’t there. “Well listen up, chick. You told me to stay out of it, so stay out of it I shall. But I expect you to...
I could make you rich If only you got paid For every time your name passed my lips.
April 2012
12 posts
From Mad Is On.
Instead of sleeping, which I didn’t think I could have done if I’d tried, I sat up all night in my room reading about Jonathan and Joshua, but mostly about Jonathan.
This kid was seriously all over the internet, and by all appearances, had achieved some level of fame in the classical music world - and even on the punk scene. He’d been the frontman of a band called Death to...
From Mad Is On.
I was on the floor in the upstairs hall when I woke up. And as soon as I opened my eyes, I violently shut them again because I was hit with the flashback of a high Jonathan from last night. I mean, I was so preoccupied with that horrifying image that I hardly even noticed the smell of bacon and waffles drifting up from downstairs.
“What the…”
I went down there and found...
1 tag
Jonathan was interviewed by his local paper after...
Interviewer: When and why did you start playing?
Jonathan: For cello, I think I started when I was about nine or ten. I was kind of a disturbed kid and the darkness of the instrument sort of drew me in, I think. There were a lot of musical instruments in the old house I used to live in back in Rhode Island, and when I'd go exploring in the cellar, I'd always skip over the flutes and the violins and the violas and I'd take out the cellos and play with their strings and feel their vibrations...then my aunt - she raised me, my aunt - she would often yell at me because they were valuable antiques but eventually she decided to set me up with lessons and I turned out to be a born natural.
Interviewer: And for guitar?
Jonathan: Well that story is a lot less interesting. I started when I was 15 just because it seemed like the one instrument everyone could play. So I started learning, too.
Interviewer: What were the first tunes you ever learned?
Jonathan: Jeez, that was a while ago. Um, probably Greensleeves for cello, and I dunno, some three-chord-wonder song for guitar. Maybe something by Nirvana. Or something I wrote, I don't remember.
Interviewer: Did you ever think you'd become as accomplished as you are now?
Jonathan: As a classical musician, definitely. I can't say I thought I'd be as RECOGNIZED as I am now, but like I said, I was a natural. As a rock-star-guy, nah. When I first started out I honestly didn't enjoy it all that much, so I never pictured myself getting where I am.
Interviewer: Is your family musical?
Jonathan: They were, but I doubt that counts since I never really knew them properly. My mom was a pianist and my dad was actually a cellist. And my two brothers, I think they used to play piano as well. But my non-biological family, the ones I actually know and grew up with, they're also musicians. Josh plays just about every instrument out there - piano, organ, harpsichord, harp, violin, viola, and cello, and he messes around on guitar and drums sometimes, too. My aunts Claudia and Lilith are both singers, and Lil is also a very accomplished violist.
Interviewer: Are you the only one who deviated from the classical norm?
Jonathan: Pretty much, yeah.
Interviewer: What are your fondest musical memories?
Jonathan: Actually, when I learned vibrato that was pretty sweet. I felt so accomplished that day. Like it was the single most impressive thing I would ever be able to brag about.
Interviewer: What's it like being a part of two completely different musical cultures? Do you ever feel torn between the two?
Jonathan: Well, rock music and classical music actually aren't all that different. On the surface, sure, but you'll find that a lot of the best rock musicians out there were at least vaguely influenced by the work of classical composers or players. Even if they don't realize it. And then of course there's the arrogance and pretentiousness that is relatively common on both sides, or at least there's that stereotype. Classical musicians are sort of known for looking down on other types of music, and that same thing goes for a lot of kids who like rock music. Music snobbery is something I see a lot of on both fronts, so I guess it is kind of awkward being stuck in the middle of it all. My colleagues in the punk world or the nu metal world or wherever I am that day think I'm a sellout for being a cellist; my fellow classical musicians think I'm a sellout for being a rock star. I just can't win. But, you know, it's all good. I love it.
Interviewer: Which do you focus on more? Classical or rock?
Jonathan: Classical, if only because perfecting it takes a hell of a lot more time. For me at least, preparing for a gig with my band doesn't take even an eighth of the effort needed to prepare for a solo cello performance or a gig with my quartet. I rarely ever spend more than two days a week working on anything band-related, whether it's writing songs or rehearsing or whatever, but most of every other day is spent practicing cello. I can't say I'd have it any other way, though.
Interviewer: So you like cello more?
Jonathan: Of course. If anyone ever forced me to choose, I'd pick my cello in a heartbeat. Being a rock star, as fun as it is, it's honestly just a hobby that got out of hand. I'd miss it if I had to give it up, sure, but cello is basically my life.
Interviewer: You have competed in and won many competitions, for both solo cello performances and with your quartet. With all that experience, what advice would you have for other performers regarding things like stage fright and making mistakes on stage?
Jonathan: Wow. Honestly I don't get stage fright very often. And when I do, it's only because I know I'm not as prepared as I could be. I've always heard that eating a banana helps, though. Something about the potassium. But I think the best antidote to stage fright is just being one-hundred-and-fifty percent prepared. When you know you know your music inside and out, you walk out on stage and you feel invincible. And then of course there's that old cliche' advice...take deep breaths, meditate...Josh says that stuff helps him a lot. As for making mistakes on stage...it happens. And when it does happen, you gotta just brush it off and keep going. Be nonchalant about it. Don't even pay it any attention. Because it's really easy to get thrown off by the slightest error and if you let that disorient you, it's only downhill from there. It's a good thing to practice - when you run through your music, don't stop for any mistakes. But you know, if it's something really big like your string pops or something, it's perfectly acceptable in most cases to just stop, laugh it off, and excuse yourself while you go get another string or another instrument. As long as you handle any screw-ups professionally, everything should be fine.
Interviewer: So what advice would you give to youngsters who are just starting out?
Jonathan: Just, you know, follow your heart. I know that's totally cliche' but it's true. If music doesn't seem like your thing, don't put your all into it. It'll just make you miserable. It's perfectly fine to just have it as a little side-hobby or just a thing you do to be able to say you did it. But if you really think it's your calling, then don't let anything stop you. It's gonna get really rough along the way and there will be days when it feels like you'll never get it. But keep trying. If it's meant to be, I promise, it'll be.
Interviewer: Do you teach music?
Jonathan: Yeah, I've had a couple students in the area. But I don't feel extremely comfortable teaching yet. It's more of an acquired skill than actually playing an instrument is, I think.
Interviewer: How do you balance your music with other obligations? School, mate, children, job, etc.
Jonathan: Well I mean I didn't go to college, so school isn't an issue. Josh - my husband - is the first violinist of my string quartet and a concert solo violinist, as well as being the drummer in my band, so that works out perfectly. We do have a little boy and a little girl though - they're actually my younger siblings but we have custody of them - and sometimes we have trouble keeping our schedule light enough to really give them a whole lot of attention. But when it all comes down to it, of course they come first. We've had to cancel concerts and rehearsals for them and never once have we regretted it.
